Nope, nothing phallic to see here, nossir!
Seriously though, let’s talk about Richard Blade’s nipples. They appear to have been replaced by plastic replica nipples. Or maybe he’s wearing flesh-color pasties? And Mr. Blade, before you retort “my eyes are up here,” no, they clearly are not. You appear to have lost them in a tragic flare-related accident. My condolences.
Enough about the cover art, which has literally nothing to do with the shit show contained within. Let’s talk about the actual contents of the book. Saddle up, it’s going to get weird!
Book ocho in Jeffrey Lord’s triumphant Richard Blade chronicles is Undying World. And at this point in the series it has become crystal clear that the chief protagonist of these books is not the eponymous secret agent Blade, oh no! It is in fact Richard Blade’s penis. The true hero of the story is is Dick Blade’s dick. So we shall approach the story accordingly.
Blade’s penis is having problems. It is unable to pitch a tent, stand up and salute, start the crank shaft, hammer the hymen, raise the jolly roger, summon the one-eyed milkman, or load the mayonnaise cannon, if you know what I mean. (I mean that Blade can’t get an erection!)
The book spells this out for us, page one, paragraph one:
The fact had to be faced – he [Blade] was a member of the limp phallus club.
Blade and his penis have gone to see all kinds of specialists. What makes this really awkward is that that Blade’s boss J is having him tailed. Just to see what he Dick Blade is up to (answer: not much! heeeeeey-o!!).
Back at HQ, J and Lord Leighton have attempted to send a different MI6-a agent through the computer. Yes, a penis that is not Dick Blade’s has been getting all that sweeeeeet Dimension X ass!
But the new subject hasn’t worked out so well: this other secret agent has come back from Dimension X completely insane and has now been committed to an asylum. Lord Leighton wants to put Blade and his very accomplished penis back in the mix, insisting that his is clearly the only penis for the job. J disagrees with Lord L, insisting that Blade’s penis has earned a well-deserved retirement.
Meanwhile, Blade and his penis are seeing yet another doctor. This one x-rays his skull and notices the crystal inside it (implanted back in Monster of the Maze) and thinks Blade has a tumor. Like Arnie Schwarznegger, Blade knows that it’s not a tumor, but he nonetheless worries that it might be the source of his erectile dysfunction.
Blade next goes off to see his girlfriend of the moment, the beautiful and promiscuous Lady Margaret French-Taylor (‘Meg’ to her friends!). Blade’s penis has already disappointed her during their first romantic liaison, an awkward circumstance made more awkward when Meg showed him the door and called in ‘Reggie’ to finish the job (surprisingly, ‘Reggie’ turns out to be an actual dude and not a sex toy). Blade’s penis arrives at Meg’s place for their date and prepares to ring the bell, but then chickens out. He doesn’t want to get Reggie’d again!
Instead Blade’s penis heads to the Tower and demands that Lord L send it and Blade into the computer immediately! Blade reasons that the computer must be responsible for its impotence. Better to be stuck in hellish Dimension X and able to pop a boner than be safe but flaccid in London, he rationalizes. Who among us would not feel the same?
Lord L is, of course, happy to help. He never misses the chance to grease up a man in a loincloth and strap electrodes on him. Blade strips down, greases up, and then is hooked into the chair. Buttons are pressed, switches are thrown, and then – the machine doesn’t work! Well, as Blade’s penis knows full well, everyone has performance problems from time-to-time.
Lord L tells Blade he has to fix something, and to just chill for a few minutes. Blade gets up from the chair and starts wandering around naked. Everyone he encounters is smiling at him. He goes above-ground to London. He starts walking naked down a busy street. He suddenly begins to achieve an enormous erection. Blade bumps into a blonde woman in a mink coat who asks him for directions and the following scene plays out:
The blonde opened her mink coat. Her breasts were resplendent, breathtaking little pointed bombs of satin flesh. Her nipples crackled and gave off sparks. Around her waist was a garter belt made of puce neon. It kept flashing off and on: follow me to Paradise.
Before you can say “satin flesh-bombs” twice, Blade’s worst nightmare comes true:
He glanced down at his own penis. It was gone.
He screamed. His penis was gone. There was nothing there but a black scar. Blade screamed again and raced through all the cars, looking for his penis.
Unsurprisingly, this is all a dream. Or, more precisely, one of those psychadelic trips Blade always goes on when he gets zapped by the computer into worlds unknown. Yes, a couple more trippy hallucinations, and both Blade and penis find themselves in
Blade awakens on artificial turf in a park full of plastic plants. It is dark except for an enormous, creepy moon overhead. The moon appears to be populated and spotlights originating from it search the earth below.
This weirds Blade out, and justly so, so he takes cover behind some plastic shrubbery. As he does so, he stumbles across two people having sex on the ground – or so it first appears. But they’re not moving. They appear to be dead, or frozen. At first Blade thinks they are lifelike mannequins, or robots, but they seem fairly human except for small metallic studs behind their ears. Blade dubs them ‘sleepers’. Whatever they are, he’s not above stealing the male’s clothing and putting it on.
Further exploration reveals that the whole park, and indeed, the whole city it is situated in, is full of sleepers. There are people everywhere frozen in the midst of walking, jogging, sitting, working, or whatever. They are all the same: weirdly perfect, with real-feeling flesh, but completely inanimate. Yes, it’s an entire city full of realistic sex dolls! Dreams do come true, Dick!
All the sex dolls, er, sleepers, have the same metal stud behind their ears. Blade surmises that this stud must be for receiving power – power which has now been shut off.
(note to self: insert joke about ‘power studs’ here)
The city of sleepers appears to be unending, stretching to the horizon as far as the eye can see. As far as Blade can tell, it is populated exclusively by the sleepers, all watched over by the creepy moon.
But Blade now hears faint noises. He realizes that someone is watching him. He follows the noises back to a manhole cover, which he opens. He drops down into the dark sewer and sees torch lights coming toward him from every direction. Blade moves forward looking for a place to hide. Then he spots someone in the shadows. Putting out his hand, Blade encounters something very familiar: a lady’s satiny flesh bomb!
He had just touched a bare female breast, warm and pulsing, firm and springy. Real flesh. He had smelled her, too; sweat and a female odor. Not too clean, perhaps, but human.
Now Blade and his penis are in familiar territory!
Now at this point Blade realizes he is about to encounter whoever is coming toward him with torches, so he does the obvious thing that you want to do when meeting unknown sewer people for the first time: he strips naked.
Oh, and if you’re familiar with H.G. Wells’ “The Time Traveler” and you guessed that these sewer people would be a hairy, subhuman Morlock-style race, well congratu-fucking–lations.
The Not-Morlocks arrive and surround Blade. They are actually called the ‘Gnomen’. They are all bald. The men have hairy bodies. The women, naturally, run around topless. And virtually all of them are pretty stupid.
Blade decides to challenges their leader to a fight, because that’s what Blade does. But as is so often the case, Blade’s penis steals the spotlight:
The man who called himself Sart pointed at Blade’s penis. “That, stranger. Does it function? Can you make children?”
Blade did not let his face betray his astonishment. How could this sewer creature, this man of Dimension X, possibly know of Blade’s sexual troubles back in Home Dimension?”
Blade said, “It works. And I can have children. What’s it to you?”
Sart informs Blade that the Gnomen have been having some problems on the baby-making front, and that they want to make Blade their sex slave. Blade says that he doesn’t want to be anybody’s sex slave, and that they should fight. Sart is reluctant, but Blade forces the point.
Sart and his cronies carry iron bars with sharpened ends, which are the standard issue weapon for the Gnomen. Blade has a sledge hammer which he picked up in the city. The Gnomen have an impressive, ape-like strength, but Blade manages to kill the cronies and force Sart to submit to him. Apparently this makes Sart his automatic slave, which means that Blade has now acquired: one (1) bumbling man servant! Be still, my beating heart.
After defeating Sart, Blade is taken before the leaders of the Gnomen: Jantor and Sybelline. Jantor is a big hairy frog of a man, and Sybelline is a sexy Gnomen vixen with snow-white hair. Jantor is mildly impressed with Blade’s victory over Sart and his men, but he has more important things on his mind:
He advanced to Blade and stared at his genitals.
“You are well equipped. I hope it is not all show. You can father children?”
Blade began to wish he had a pair of pants.
Blade regrets being naked?? I guess there really is a first time for everything. But in fairness, Blade, getting your dick out was your idea.
Despite Blade’s demonstration of combat prowess against Sart, it appears that the sex slave thing is still a go. You see, Jantor is the only Gnomen alive who can father children. Every single Gnoman child is his offspring. And he’s sick of it, so he wants Blade to help pick up the slack.
Jantor isn’t fucking around, although Blade is about to be. Blade is imprisoned in some spacious quarters and then a long line of Gnomen women queues up outside, each one patiently waiting her turn for a dose of Blade’s baby batter. Fortunately, Blade’s penis is apparently ready, willing, and able to do its duty here in Dimension X. So Blade mounts each silent Gnomen woman one after another while they lie there and think of
Yes, Blade’s penis is having quite an adventure!
Despite all this sexing, most of the Gnomen women aren’t very sexy, what with them being short, ugly, hairy little cave-dwellers. There is one exception, though – a girl named Norn. Blade recognizes her – after she turns up in line to get her biscuit buttered for the fourth or fifth time – as the girl whose tit he copped a feel of back in the tunnels. She claims she is in love with him. But after he shakes her down a bit she admits that she is actually a spy for Sybelline.
Norn tells Blade that there is a power struggle going on between Jantor and Sybelline and Sybelline wants Blade on her side. It wouldn’t be a Blade book without a bunch of meaningless intrigue, I guess. In the meantime, Blade enjoys plowing the nubile Norn. Whose age, I’ll note, he estimates to be about 14. We’ll come back to this later.
Jantor soon summons Blade and gives him a bit more of the lie of the land. The people who live up in the creepy moon, he informs Blade, are called the Selenes. They see everything. They rule over the sleepers, who are actually named the Morphi. The Gnomen, meanwhile, live underground and they do the Morphi’s dirty work. That used to be the arrangement, anyways.
One day, for reasons unknown, the Selenes dropped a ‘honey bomb’. The power to the Morphi was shut off and they all went to sleep. The Gnomen did not go to sleep, but now they could no longer make babies. Except, of course, for Jantor – who was down in a dark dungeon called the Five Mile Pits and thus protected from the effects of the ‘honey bomb’.
Lord Leighton, through the crystal in Blade’s head, instructs Blade to find out everything he can about the power source that controls the Morphi. Blade asks Jantor to show him the power source, but Jantor doesn’t know where it is. However, his rival Sybelline does. Jantor suggests that she likely won’t help Blade.
Blade suggests that if they could find the power source they could wake up the Morphi and rule the galaxy together as father and son. Jantor likes this idea. He gets fully onboard with this plan of locating the power source. As a token of appreciation, he gifts Blade with his favorite daughter, a twelve-year-old girl named Alixe who – in a description that must have been expressly written to make pedophiles everywhere salivate uncontrollably – is described as having ‘cupcake breasts’.
To his credit, Blade is rather non-plussed by this ‘gift’. He goes along with it in order not to make Jantor mad but intends not to do anything with Alixe sexually. Unfortunately, Alixe makes this hard. She keeps throwing herself at Blade when they’re alone, putting on all the moves that this book seems to think 12-year-olds are famous for. When Blade rejects her advances, she gets upset and starts making trouble. She begins teasing Sart instead. Under Gnoman law, Sart is forbidden from touching Alixe because he is a slave. Nonetheless, he is quite hot-and-bothered by this twelve-year-old girl.
Yes reader, this situation will end badly.
Wait! “Meanwhile?!?” Yes! We are shifting perspectives from the misadventures of Blade’s penis to the plotting of the Gnomen queen, Sybelline.
Sybelline is busy banging her son Wilf (rhymes with MILF!), because -the book gravely informs us – the Gnomen are entirely ignorant of what incest is. (Let’s just admit here that the Gnomen plead ignorance to get away with a lot of kinky shit)
Sybelline is part Morphi because her mother was raped by a Morphi. As such she lives part-time above-ground in a Morphi apartment, wears Morphi clothes, and eats canned Morphi food.
After getting her incest on, Sybelline, for the reader’s convenience, plots aloud with Rhymes-with-MILF about how she will seize power for herself from Jantor and then rule over both the Gnomen and the re-awakened Morphi. Then she sends for Blade’s new girlfriend Norn. Sybelline makes Norn spill the beans on Blade.
Basically, Sybelline is the cackling plotting villain of this piece of deathless literature. Ominously, the reader also learns that she may be in communication with the Selenes up in the moon! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN
Alright, back to the offices of Blade, Penis & Penis, Attorneys at Law. While we were away there have been some… complications. Alixe teased Sart until he couldn’t take it anymore. He snapped. Then he raped her and beat her to death.
Blade is horrified by this turn of events, as anyone with an ounce of feeling would be! So of course the first thing he worries about is how to cover up Sart’s little accident.
According to Gnomen law, Blade, as Sart’s master, is responsible for Sart’s crimes. And since Alixe was Jantor’s favorite daughter, Blade is afraid that he will likely be put to death by the Gnomen. Blade decides he and Sart must flee immediately. There’s no use crying over dead 12-year-olds, I guess.
Fortunately for Blade and Sart, the Gnomen are dumb as shit, so escaping is easy. Sart distracts the guards while Blade grabs one of their weapons. Then they kick some ass and make a break for it.
Back to Sybelline on the surface: Here we find her using a device that is like a TV but without wires – if you can imagine!! – to communicate with her moon masters. The Selene that appears on the screen has a giant head and is named Onta. Onta is head (ha!) of the Department of Brain Secrets (yes, really!) up at Evil Moon HQ. It seems that Onta and the Selenes are very interested in Blade and want to acquire him for study. Certainly, if there is one thing we have learned at this point, it is that everyone wants a piece of Richard Blade, or at least Richard Blade’s penis.
Sybelline has wants of her own. Specifically, she wants to be queen of the re-powered Morphi. Onta be all like, “All in due time, bring us the man Blade!”
No sooner has this conversation finished then who should appear outside Sybelline’s window but Blade himself! He and Sart emerge from the nearest manhole while fleeing the Gnomen. Sart has been wounded. Sybelline beckons them up to hide in her apartment. There, she tends to Sart’s injuries. Blade demands that she show them the location of the Morphi power source. Sybelline agrees to do so. The three head off in search of it.
The power source lies miles underground. Since there is no power, none of the elevators are working. So of course that means that they have to take… an enormous spiral tube slide?? Sorry, that can’t be right. Let me double check my notes here. No, it appears that that is correct: the way down to the power source is a long plastic slide. Yup. Blade, Sart and Sybelline hop on the slide and away they go.
Oh, but right before this, Blade encounters a group of Gnomen. They tell him he’d better surrender, because they have Norn, and Jantor is going to do something terrible to her if he doesn’t come back. Blade is like, “I don’t care about Norn!” But he does, just a little, maybe.
Right, back to the ultimate playground slide. Blade, Sybelline, and Sart slide down it for a long way. They land on a giant pile of plastic mats. They are now deep underground in a giant dome that houses the Morphi power source. There are Morphi down here, all asleep of course. But there are also mole rats.
These aren’t your typical garden variety mole rats, though. They are the size of large dogs, and they’ve got a taste for flesh. Also, presumably, for plastic, or whatever the hell the Morphi are made of. At any rate some of the sleepers have been shredded by the mole rats.
Blade and co. realize that a pack of mole rats is following them. Blade is armed with one of the Gnomen’s phallic spear bars, and he manages to kill a mole rat with it. The other mole rats immediately stop following them to cannablize the corpse. This allows Blade, Sybelline, and Sart to cross safely to the station that contains the power source.
Blade discovers here that the Morphi’s power source was literally powered by rock. They just crushed up rock and fed it into this thing and it produced all the power they could ever need. Until someone came along and hit the “off” switch, anyway. Blade is very excited by this discovery. He knows that this is exactly the sort of thing that really greases Lord Leighton’s beefcake.
Plot twist: it turns out that the person who hit the ‘off’ switch on the power was none other than Sybelline! The sneaky minx was acting on the orders of the nefarious moon people.
Sybelline explains that she had made her way down to the power station. Then she tricked the technicians into explaining how it worked using her lurid feminine wiles. Distracted by this naughty Gnomen MILF, they foolishly let her get close enough to throw the switch. Then every Morphi went to sleep.
The four technicians are still in the room, sleeping. Blade makes Sybelline re-enact exactly how she accomplished this elaborate ruse, which she is happy to do, up to and including jumping onto a table in the middle of the room and pulling a technician on top of her between her legs. She also shows Blade the on and off switches. For the power station, I mean.
At this point a wounded Gnoman crawls up to them. This proves to be Sybelline’s son Wilf (rhymes with MILF). Wilf reveals that he can read Morphi script, and that he’s used this knowledge to learn the layout of the underground complex. He has discovered another way in and out, one that doesn’t involve a giant playground slide.
Wilf Rhymes-with-MILF also informs Blade that his penis has worked its usual magic. A bunch of the Gnomen women are preggo. Jantor has sent the pregnant woman deep underground under heavy guard to keep them safe.
Blade decides now that he has location of the power source and a whole bunch of baby mamas in his pocket, he should go up and negotiate with Jantor. Besides, Jantor now has the lovely Norn suspended over a pit of ravenous naked mole rats. It is probably a trap, but Blade’s penis is all about saving its under-aged Gnoman lady friend. It doesn’t give a flying fuck about traps.
Will Blade’s penis finally poke too far down the wrong hole??